March 6, 2012

The Blueberry Pig Meal

My wife is a good cook.  She won't admit it, in fact, she'll down right deny it.  I try to convince her, but no matter what I say, she still doesn't think she is a good cook.
This hot dame is not Shannon.

I am a simple man, not like Forrest Gump (I would never again dare to slander such a holy figure as Saint Gump.  I have learned my lesson Gump-lovers.)  By simple I mean, I am just a meat and potatoes kinda guy.  You don't need to use rare herbs to get me to like a dish.  I can enjoy the exotic dishes, but given the choice between a Fleming's steak or a Casu Marzu with Kopi Luwak coffee, I will take the steak any day.

Now, Shannon doesn't try to fancy our meals up too much.  For one, she simply doesn't have the time.  Plus, in our family if she dresses it up too nice - we won't appreciate it.  My son and I attack the food, like it is trying to get away.  I swear, that sometimes, he literally wrestles the food.  She also has many hurdles to overcome, as well.  Our daughter, who just turned five, is a strict vegetarian.  Our son, doesn't like anything, until he tries it.  Me, I'll try some foreign exchange meal - but I would usually just prefer gnawing on some pizza.

Now, giving my wife more props, she is also trying to keep us healthy.  I approve, however, the word on the street is that pizza isn't a "healthy" food.  Sure, she has found that happy medium. Pizza once in awhile, but most of the time she cooks.

Now, my wife grew up without a mother.  She was raised by her father and I must say, he did a pretty darn good job too.  We don't see eye to eye on a lot of issues, but when it comes to Shannon, we both think she is pretty neat.  He worked a lot of hours and he was no gourmet chef in the kitchen.  So, when she got older she had to teach herself how to cook.  So, while she was learning to cook - her father and I became sort of her guinea pigs.

She found a recipe for pork chops.  She knew that I have an affection for blueberries and found a recipe that combined the pork chop with the blueberry.  Now, I am not a big pork chop eater.  In fact, the last time that I can remember having a pork chop, I was dating her.  (I have been married for over 12 years now.)  So, pork chops and me - we ain't tight.  I love other pig products.  (Sorry my veggie friends.)
I love bacon.
I love ham.
I love bacon, again.

But, she made a dish that was out of this world.  Not good, out of this world.  More like, trippy...

Her father and I sat and waited for the meal; hungry.  Because that is another thing we have always had in common - food.  Shannon's shy little voice came from her kitchen.  "Um, maybe we should just order out," she said.
"Nonsense," her father and I responded.  "Bring us our meals."
I don't think this is exactly how the story was a long time ago, and I tend to over exaggerate.
"I don't think you'll want to eat it."
"We'll eat anything," we bragged.
"Dagnabbit, woman.  We IS hungry!"
These sexy beasts are not Shannon's dad and me.

That is when we saw them.  The pork chops still sitting in their dish.  They were purple, just like pork chops are suppose to be.  Purple?  Purple Pork Chops.  The blueberries had turned the pork chops the shade of the Joker's coat.  (His coat was case, you didn't pick up on that.)
And I am not positive, but I think she was serving us Barney.
He did go missing sometime around then.
Well, needless to say, we tried those purple pork chops.  They were also a little rubbery too.  It kinda felt like chewing on a dog's toy.  They were awful.  Just down right horrible.  But, we always laugh about her purple pork chops.

Pretty positive that Shannon put these in there.  
Now, when she cooks, 98% of the time it is awesome.  She does a killer job, and I love having a wife that cooks.  It is rare thing nowadays.  So, I am thankful and blessed.  However, there still are those 2% where I have to go to Philly's Phatties and get a cheesesteak.

Eater of the Purple Pork Chop,


February 27, 2012

Bad Job Academy

I am a big fan of movies.  I love a great film.  I am also one of those wanna-be critic chuckleheads.  I can't just sit there and enjoy the movie for entertainment.  I dissect it like a high school science class.
I love art direction, camera angles, lighting, and all that boring stuff.
Yeah, I probably follow the directors more than the movies themselves.
Who wrote the movie?  Well, seriously I'm asking.
How much CGI did they use?  I don't care.
What's the dialogue?
I'll admit I'm a nerd, not like Potsie Weber, no more like Roger Ebert, but without the money, fame and speech impediment.

It's Oscar time...
and every year the Academy Awards usually get it wrong.  Every year they make more bad choices than Eddie Murphy...Sure, they get one right once in awhile, but Murphy picked Shrek too.

Let's look at some of our past Oscar winners for Best Picture:

Dances with Wolves
This would make a much better movie.

Wow!  That movie was long...I fell asleep just thinking about it.   That movie was so long that I stumbled out of the theater like Rip Van Winkle, disoriented...
"What year is it?"
"Where is my family?"
"The best actor in that was the 13th Buffalo."
If he had actually danced with wolves, maybe I would agree that it should have won.  Now, of course no other movies in 1990 were worth the Oscar over that Kevin Costner wolf dancing film.

Oh yeah, Goodfellas.  What is wrong with the Academy?  Did they not see both movies?  Henry Hill should have put Costner in a trunk.  And how did Marty Scorsese not win the best director?  Scorsese should have put Costner in a trunk.  (I know the joke didn't work the first time either.)
Bad job Academy.

How Green Was My Valley
I guessing the third one to the left.

I've never seen it, but I have seen the Maltese Falcon...and movies don't get any better than that...oh wait, what?  Citizen Kane was in the same year?  Newspaper mogul, who the film is based on, William Randolph Hearst made sure that Kane didn't win, so are you telling me some shady business was going on behind the scenes at the Academy?  What is going on?
Bad job Academy.

I'll just pick one more.

Forrest Gump
Mama said, "life is like an overrated movie."

But, wait this a movie everyone loves.  It has to be the #1 most overrated movie ever!  Okay, I forgot bad.  So, did I like Forrest Gump?  I didn't, but in case you forgot...I'm not normal.  I'm not like that town in Illinois. (Hopefully, you get that joke.  It is weak, but you should expect nothing less.)  It's like this joke:

Another weak joke.  I am in one of those moods.  

How did Forrest Gump beat both Pulp Fiction and Shawshank Redemption.  Forrest Gump took out two of my top twenty movies of all time and it doesn't even make my top 250.  It had a couple of good catch phrases and I do love shrimp, but seriously?  That is a terrible job Academy.

Sorry this isn't one of my funnier posts, but it's better than reading other blogs, unless they are really good blogs...than you should read them.  I wish I had more jokes for you, but how about next time?  Is that okay?  Thanks for understanding...just being critical.

All that to say some of my favorite movies aren't the greatest movies.  Yes, I love some of the critical acclaimed Godfather movies, Citizen Kane, Wizard of Oz, but there are others that I am not fond of at all...On the Waterfront or Singin' In the Rain.  And I have favorites that like Dirty Work, Batman, Zombieland, and The Royal Tenebaums.
So after reading all this, just ignore it and go out and enjoy whatever movie you like.  I hear White Chicks is on cable.

I give this post two thumbs down.
- Critic Bill