February 10, 2012


Are you a bad orderer?

You know what I mean, when you go to a restaurant and want something - you place your order with someone, are you bad at it?
On a scale from 1-10 what kind of orderer are you?
Let's give a scale - 10 - being Megan Fox and 1 - being Kathy Griffin
10 - Ordering Scale

1 - On any scale

How I imagine Megan Fox ordering at a restaurant:

Megan: I'll have a well done burger with no cheese, a side of fries and a Diet Coke.

It left no questions.  Because at this establishment, burgers come with lettuce, tomatoes, and onions.  The Bun is a sourdough bun and the ketchup is already on the table.

Kathy Griffin ordering:

Kathy: We're ready.  I want um...let me see...what do you like?  Are the burgers any good?  I'll have a burger...no wait...I had a burger last week and it got stuck in my throat...so maybe...do you have meatloaf?  I didn't see it on the menu...maybe pancakes...What is everyone else having?  Okay, I'll have the hamburger with what kind of cheese do you have?  Okay, I'll take the American...no wait let's make it swiss...no make it american.  I want fries.  Can I have them well done.  Don't burn them.  Just a little blackened.  But, crunchy....and no salt.  and to drink...what kind of soda do you have?  Oh...I'll take a Diet Coke.

Is that you?  Are you a Kathy Griffin?  Reading it, sounds ridiculous, but I have gone out to dinner with people like that...and I know you have too.  And if you haven't, guess what?  The person everyone dreads to eat with because they are such a bad orderer is probably...you.
Should have shaved my hairy knuckles

Here are some helpful hints that I can give to you to make you a better orderer:  (take these with you and maybe you'll even get more friends or dates)

1. Order only what you want: (unless there is one item you have some crazy serious allergy if you eat it.  But don't share too much about your allergy.  "I can't have rhubarb or my butt looks like a Japanese flag.")
Rhubarb butt

Example of what NOT to do:
"I'll have a ham and cheese sandwich with mustard, no mayo, lettuce, no tomato, no provolone, with pepperjack, a pickle, no chips, on rye bread, not wheat or white, not toasted, for here not to go."

2. Order what the restaurant serves:  If you go to a steakhouse - order steak.  Seafood place - seafood.  Salad Works - salad.  Quizno - garbage.

Example of what NOT to do:
"Everything seems so meaty, do you have anything besides steak?  Something more tofuy."
Remember it's not the waiter's fault, you chose to eat there.

3. While ordering don't be a tool.
"Hey, Sugarbridges, give me everything on the menu.  Ha ha ha.  I'm kiddin'.  You gots some of 'em baked pasta things.  Ziti.  Like a zit.  Har har."
You know you want the baked pasta, order it.
Looks pretty tasty.
4. While ordering, don't ask what everyone else at the table is having.
"I like spinach.  Are you having spinach?  Really?  What are you having?  Oh, the Grand Slam breakfast.  That sounds good.  What are you having?  I like sausage and eggs.  And you?  I like bacon and french toast.  Okay, okay.  I'm ready.  I'll have the Turkey club."

5. While ordering, don't try to pick up the waitress. (literally or figuratively)
"I'll just have a B.L.T. and a Cherry Coke...and what time do you get off tonight?  You know I'm pretty killer.  In fact, I'm the biggest killer since O.J. Simpson."
Hey Ladies...what you doing?
6. While ordering, stay off the phone.
"I'll have the...hold on a second man...I'll have a root beer float...hold on, man, I'm ordering...and some fries, and...yeah, oh you want some fries too, but I can't get over there tonight.  I'm not freezing them, dude.  They don't taste good...let me see...do the fries taste good if I freeze them?"

7. Don't ask the waiter or waitress what they like.
"What do you like better, the pork loin or licking the stop sign out front?"
How do you know that if they like it you'll like it too?  Some people are into some weird crap, you can't trust them.  And what kind of answer are you expecting?  "Are the hush puppies any good here?"  "No, in fact, if you want a good hush puppy, I recommend across the street.  We have a Redbox outside."

8. Don't be so picky.  Yes, you are paying for it, but there will be other meals.  This won't be your last meal. (Unless, you are reading this from a Texas prison, because then your chances of it being your last are about 60-40.)
"I'll have the caramelized pears seared at three thousand degrees, by a chef from the Galapagos Islands, who only wears red socks when he cooks and has a tattoo of Tattoo from Fantasy Island on his left inner thigh and make sure it is on a blue plate and served with a chilled spoon."

9. Finally - Don't sound like an idiot while ordering.  Make sure to use the right linguistics.  If the word needs to be plural - use it.  BUT, DO NOT make the word plural if it is not a plural word.
"I'll have the Macaronis and Cheeses.  And give me some Shrimps salad.  All I have is eighty-five cent."

So, take these with you and may they help you, brother.  Dine out and enjoy.

Thanks for joining us.
Please Come Again Soon.
Tips are appreciated.

Your Waiter,