February 14, 2012

In the Mood

If you really love some one tell them.  And ...
Don't forget to be romantic.  Keeping the romance alive is tough, especially as you get older.
I know, I know, you are still young at heart.  No matter what those crow's feet are telling you.  Let's be honest, your face is always changing.  You are getting older.  We all see it, so let's just admit it.  Okay, ladies and gents?

In life, you start out looking  like a porcelain doll.  Smooth and silky, ah those baby years... you know, you were cute once.  Those years go by quickly.  Then you turn seven, and it's like you walked through Chernobyl.  Your teeth start falling out in rapid succession.  It's scary, there are children running around  looking like Jack-O-Lanterns.  Those years are a little rough, but what comes next is a nightmare...The Pizza Hut years.
Yearbook photo - 1993

Even they couldn't have made a greasier bubbly mess than the face of a teenager.  Teenage faces have more blackheads then a Spike Lee joint.  Let's call it like we see it, teenagers are disgusting creatures.  The male teenagers' voice can become a pentatonic scale in one sentence.  And the female teenager will wake up four hours earlier to try to cover the loads of blemishes with make-up and fix their hair, (trying to remember that their face is not a coloring book and hairspray isn't a sealant  -a little dab will do you.)  following it up by trying to cover up those raccoon tired eyes, because of waking up four hours early to start the beautification project.

But, those years pass too and you HAVE to move quick, because you really only have a good four or so years before the wrinkles begin, because old age is like the Big Bad Wolf and there is a lot of huffing and puffing at your front door.  Let me tell ya, old age ain't kind.  I don't know what is worse, looking like a pepperoni pizza pie or a human Shar Pei.  
Minutes after my thirtieth birthday party.

The teenage years had a new body hair battle, but bad news...the hair wins in the end.  You can't stop it.  You can try to shave it, pluck it, wax it (Alone in the Bathroom), but it won't quit.  We can't beat it, so do we join it? Trying to grow a mustache to hide those two inch long nose hairs isn't fooling anyone, grandpa.  You want to look your best, guys, for that special someone, well I have more bad news.
The hair on the top of your head...gone.  But, like some crazy magic trick, it's gonna reappear...abracadabra, hey ladies meet...Ear hair.
Oh yeah, that's sexy.
Getting old sucks.  It just does.  Sure, that little old couple look so cute, but you gotta admit - it's pretty gross.  Right?  It's going to be hard to have those romantic feelings when I'm older.
I mean, nothing gets your partner going more than a bottle of Metamucil and brand new Depends.
Add your own joke about Depends.  It's easy enough.

So, after all that in you are still in the mood?
Still trying to build that romance?  It ain't easy...especially when you have kids.  Between work and kids, it's hard just staying awake through an episode of Survivor, let alone trying to be romantic.
Sure you find him cute.
Sure you find her sexy.
But, exhaustion isn't an aphrodisiac.

So, what do you do?  There are plenty of ways to try to spice up the romance.  Don't ask me, I don't have a clue.
Sure, you have to try things.  You must have a routine.  Maybe, guys, those old baggy pajama pants and your favorite t-shirt with the sweat stained armpits isn't a turn on.
Dress Foxy - Not Wolfy

And don't think you are getting out of it that easy women...
because no make-up, hair in a bun, same pajama pants and one of our old t-shirts (because, it is just more comfortable) ain't doing any good either.  Okay, I lied.  (Truthfully, it doesn't really matter what you wear...you could be wearing a hefty bag and dressed like that bird lady from Home Alone 2.)
Hey Baby, whatcha doing later?

But let's get back to the real romance killers, yes, the kids really put a giant damper on the whole romance thing.  No more spontaneity...that is history.  The only thing that becomes spontaneous is the fact that during your alone time you might have to comfort a bad dream or worse yet, the true killer, having a sick child.  Nothing is worse than seeing a sick child (right after you really thought you were getting somewhere.)

Romance is important.  It really is.  Your partner is the most important person, (and if you are single...well, I have other posts that will relate better to you.  This isn't one of them.  So, instead, go out and find the perfect mate.  They are easy enough to find, just make sure you get some good binoculars and that they have a large tree in their front lawn.  I'm kidding, don't be a creeper, because finding the perfect mate behind bars is even harder...and if you think finding time for romance is tough with kids, imagine a cellmate.)

Everyone is different and everyone has different things that help add a boost to their romance, but there are some old wive's tales that just don't work.
Add a little music for some extra romance.
Music does not add anything to the mood.  Oh, sure, you want to argue with me.  Well, if I agreed with you, then we would both be wrong.  Music in theory, should work, but it doesn't.

Four major problems with Mood Music

1. You know the song
Singing along while trying to be sexy, you might as well just put on those Depends.  You might think you are sounding like Eddie Vedder, but you really sound like a cat with it's tail caught under the rocking chair.
"Yeah but, Bill, I put on Let's Get it On, by Marvin Gaye.  That's sexy."
Is it?  Because if you listen carefully enough it sounds like the opening to The Price Is Right.  So, now you have Rod Roddy in your head saying,
 "Billy Merkh, come on down."

Okay, that's dead.  Rod Roddy has never helped cure any romances.  "But, what about a little Barry White?"
Yeah, that's what you need.  Some big black dude in the corner, talking racy to your woman.  No, thank you.  I feel inadequace enough.  I don't need...
"You are lookin' fine, baby."

2. You don't know the song.
Not sure I've ever heard this song.  Oh, this is a cool song, yeah she is looking sweet...okay, where are we going?  Is that a drum solo?  That's odd.  Oh, wait is this song about NATO?  I think I am being lectured about child labor in Hondorus.  No, honey, you still look amazing.  Wait, I am pretty sure, he's talking about Kim Jong Il.
"You looking fine, baby."

3. You will never think of that song the same again.
"And it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the old ball game..." he he he that is filthy.  You still have the giggles eating Cracker-Jacks too.  But, that still isn't as bad as trying to explain why you always snicker at the theme to the A-Team.

4.  You will remember the other times you heard that song. 
You look so beautiful, sweetheart, oh remember when we heard this song...where were we?    Oh yeah, church, boy, this is awkward.

So, I guess music is out of it.

But, if you learned anything, which I'm sure you haven't, remember one thing...
Finding that special someone is one of the greatest gifts that you will ever know.  Treat them great.  Treat them right.  Treat them like they are one of the greatest gifts, because they are.  It doesn't matter what is on the outside, they are a special treasure.  Let them know it.  You will have some rough times, but don't let that discourage you.  There has to be a reason you fell in love them to begin with.  What was that reason?
Their smile?
Their eyes?
Their humor?
Their kindness?
Their brains?
Why did you fall in love?  Cherish them.  And if you think that your romance is gone...find it.  Take the time to let them know that you love them.  You will be happy you did.