January 1, 2012

Alone In the Bathroom

It's a new year!  We have made it to 2012, and if the Mayans have anything to say about it, this will be the last.  There is even a movie titled it.  (Not that I have seen it.)

Why is New Years so important?  Is it the whole concept of the turning over a new leaf? A new beginning.  A clean slate.  
Is it the resolutions?  We all make them, whether we announce them to the world or we keep them quietly in our heads.  We want to eat healthier, lose weight, stop smoking, fall in love or simply to do more good deeds to our fellow man.

Why do we do we make New Year’s resolutions?

It seems that it the perfect starting point for the changes to the past.  We can forget all about last year's disappointments and focus on the personal change that we are going to make.  However, most of  those resolutions fail.

My resolutions are usually driven by my own vanity...and truthfully, to impress to my wife, Shannon.  My resolution a few years ago was to the look better for Shannon.  I wanted to really impress her.  I wanted to lose those extra pounds and make her want to whistle when she saw me.  Instead of her normal gag reflex when I would take off my shirt.  Plus, if I continued to eat the way I liked (hamburgers drowned with cheese and bacon, plus a little more bacon and a little more bacon) I was going to have to start shopping for some man bras for the much needed support.

So there I was Alone In the Bathroom.  I had just finished shaving my face, and I was looking in the mirror.  (I think I might have been flexing my cheese steak induced arms.)  When, I looked down at my chest and saw a little tuft of hair making a straggly appearance.  I am not sure if I had ever noticed it before, but I was now a man on a mission.  I needed Shannon to find me sexy...and this hairball was in no way helping my case.  Something needed to be done.
I had just shaved my face, and looking down and there was the razor smiling up at me.  I could hack that unwanted hair right off with our friend Bic.

But wait!  What was all this stuff I heard about shaving chests?  I didn't want to go to bed and in the morning wake up to have a chest five o'clock shadow.  I needed another weapon to remove this nest of hair.  Through the cabinets I dug...looking for the perfect tool to begin my manscaping needs.  I dug deeper than I ever had before.  It felt like I was entering a bathroom Narnia, when my hand brushed against the box that was about take me on a journey of sexiness.


I quickly opened the box, and threw the directions to the floor.  No time for those, Shannon was going to start to wonder why it was taking me an hour to shave my face.  I grabbed the wax strip and peeled off the back.  I stuck the biggest square piece of wax to the target.  A perfect hit.  It covered the patch of hair and I knew soon that it would gone and forgotten.  I pressed against the strip.  I pounded the strip.  I rubbed it.  I kneaded it.  I pressed it some more.  "Good bye hair." I quietly cackled.  I let a good five minutes go by.  I gave the wax another quick pound.  I grabbed the corners of the strip...and pulled.

PAIN!  Hot flashing, numbing pain.  There was so much burning and blood.  Apparently,  Mr.  Wax strip is supposed to removed immediately.  I screamed till my throat was hoarse.  I felt as if I was the man in the Temple of Doom who had his heart ripped out of his chest.  Tears rolled down my cheeks and blood rolled down my flabby pecs.  Oh, the torture!

After several minutes of toilet paper clean up, I was left with the perfect raw flesh square tattoo.  The hair was gone, like I had wanted, but so were several layers of skin.  I had failed.  My intentions were good, but I had taken the wrong approach.  And maybe, that hair wasn't that terrible after all.

I learned some valuable lessons that night, alone in the bathroom.
1.) Leave the waxing to the experts.
2.) Read the instructions before trying anything.
3.) Let others help you with your resolutions.

Shannon wanted me to look better and she could have easily have helped me.  All I needed to do was ask.  Maybe you just need to ask others to help you.  Don’t try to fulfill your resolutions alone.

Don't forget to share this with your friends.  And if you enjoyed this...FOLLOW ME.